Did a mini trial at photo land today, learnt alot, was really tried after.
Think i finally found an offer on an M6 that might actually work out
Start documentary photography @ ACP tomorrow, was going to do Fine Art: Black and White, but they could get enough numbers for the class. I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason.
Still unsure about whats the deal with that lindsay chick, i think she might actually be a little attracted to me. Its so ODD i don’t know.
Somehow mums number got put on a block list on dads phone. she said he’s changed. I been worrying about this alot the last 2 days. So many questions and turning of my stomach. He couldn’t he couldn’t he couldn’t. Could he?
Have to enrol in Sem 2 classes tomorrow.
I feel heaps fat and huge at the moment and my skin is shite…. seemed to be in one of my heaps hungry everyday phases. Hence why I’m not overly excited about bumping into the linsday chick.. kinda just want to hide till i feel more in control of myself/body.
Mothers day this weekend, Sambo’s birthday weekend also. Have a 4000 word essay due in about a week and a bit. and ummmm
Last three days I have been avoiding finishing my environmental history, sleeping and eating lots.
I feel I’m some-what, close enough to.. or rather, actually, really in a rut.
I loathe leaving the house to go out socialising at the moment. Not to the point i used to. But at present bed feels like both a haven and a cage.
Must finish essay. My brain feels lazy.. like a really lazy muscle.. Could this be the lexapro..? I’m confused.. or am i literally just being a lazy, unmotivated sloth.
That lyndsay girl sent me a Facebook invite to go to some art gallery show she’s having on wednesday. Not going to go. I think part of the reason I have been stuffing myself with food is to stop myself from going, or rather wanting to go .. and consequently stop myself from getting hurt when I see the real life evidence that she is indeed not into me. I still fantasise about the person I would like her to be and its hard to reconcile in my brain that judging by her actions, or rather , lack there of, that the image I have is just one epic illusion.
Never the less, tomorrow, I shall get back on track. Finish the god-damn essay, get back into eating right and just continue to focus on me myself and try get through to the end of each and everyday.
I bought a Lecia M6 and am on the hunt for a lens, extremely excited about that. Also should be moving into bertys house, maybe, end of may. Hopefully if that happens that will be good.
Listening to clint mansell, thinking about dragging a blade across my body. Not to seriously injure myself. Just enough to feel the ice sliding through my skin. A mediation to release bad energy, centre myself and just slow the fuck down. A tool to feel, A tool to heal.
Dealing with the suspicious looks and fucked judgements is enough of a deterrent to stop me now. I honestly think theres value in doing such a practise, obviously not to the extent that one would seriously hurt oneself. If I could i would make the scars disappear away immediately. But i can’t. So i won’t. For now.
Yet I still feel this dark pressure in me. That I can’t release, cause I’m one responsible fuck trying to pave my way through clown town.
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
“This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.”
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
“This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.”
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
“Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.”
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
“Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.”
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.”
“This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their
What’s your greatest regret so far, and what will you set out to achieve or change before you die?
Nothing drastic changed over last two weeks… finished my photography Black&White:Print course.. will start my Fine Art: Black & White and Lighting one soon.
Absolutely no word from that lynsday girl, just saw on Facebook that she in an art show somewhere sometime soon. She’s obviously not the person I thought she was, or maybe she is and she just not interested.
The house that i was going to move into in May, with Kalindy, well Kalindy’s moved to the country, as of a day or two ago. it was all so sudden. Just a random status update telling people to come collect there stuff from her place. She was my key to getting the room, i don’t know if her other room mate Marissa (who’s apparently really hard to live with) would even want me.. I might message her anyway, but i doubt it will work out. So shit, cause the rooms so cheap ($150) . I really wanted to live with Kalindy as well.. she so nice and chilled. BAHHHHHHHHHH
Saw Ziek and Mya last weekend at mils (lynsday house mates) they didn’t mention anything about lynsday, and were pretty nice to me. Meaning she probably said some shit to me and they feel awkward so they’re being more nice than usual.
Oh yeah and my centrelink kick in end of april.. finally.
Alas, must keep moving on … kinda starting to regret the whole thing. :(
